Bartalk: Apparently...

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Bartalk: Apparently...
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Have you ever noticed that every great drinking story always begins with the same word?

The word begins with the letter "A," but it is not alcohol. Nope. The word is "apparently".
The dictionary defines the word apparently as "to manifest to the senses or mind as real or true on the basis of evidence that may or may not be factually valid." That has a nice ring to it, especially when you've been drinking.
It lays the groundwork for a multitude of alibis and explanations:
ie: Why did you wake up with four different ink stamps on your hand, most from bars you've never heard of and one of them written in Russian? Well, apparently, you were out bar hopping like an international playboy.
Why did you find that the cash in your wallet was gone and had been replaced with ridiculously large credit card receipts? These morning-after forensics would indicate that apparently your more generous nature took over last night and you may have made some new friends along the way.
Why is there a stranger in your bed? Apparently, your generosity was contagious. Just hope that nothing else was.
Here are the ways some of the better drinking stories I have heard have started (or ended):
Apparently, I got home and sat sideways in my chair fully dressed because that's where I came to 6 hours later.
Apparently, I didn't want to wait the 15 minutes for a taxi because I walked five miles home.
Apparently, the bouncer is studying the Aerodynamics of the drunken human body, because he threw me out the door. I got three seconds of air time before I hit the sidewalk.
Apparently, Scottish men don't wear anything under their kilts.
Apparently, Scottish men don't like it when you call their kilts "skirts."
Apparently, Scottish men hit really hard for someone wearing a skirt with no underwear.
Apparently, the words "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing.
Apparently, my ex-girlfriend doesn't live there any more and she seems to have changed her phone number.
Apparently, I either went home with a very ugly girl or a very pretty monster.
Apparently, the couple of beers I went out for cost $117.63.
Apparently, I am allergic to leather because every time I wake up with my shoes still on, my head kinda hurts.
Apparently, I felt like singing because I jumped up on stage with the band.
Apparently, Tequila really is distilled by Satan.
Apparently, you ain't supposed to chug Scotch.
Apparently, it was a pretty good party, because when the cops finally showed up, they started doing keg stands.
Apparently, that bar has some pretty old-fashioned ideas about what's considered acceptable behavior.
Apparently, I am not as invisible or quiet as I think I am.
Apparently, there is some kind of law against doing that.
Apparently, I stopped at some bar because when I woke up there was a copy of Nightmoves on the truck seat.