Bartalk: Beer Monkeys

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Bartalk: Beer Monkeys
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Monkeys brewing beer? I guess you probably think I've had one too many, or else I'm trying to pull the wool over your eyes, but it's really true. There are monkeys who make their own brew, and then get as messed up as a football bat.
The monkeys I am referring to were first reported by sailors aboard the HMS Dorchester back in 1779. The ship was passing Carson's Point, near Borneo (in the Pacific), when they saw a group of what they thought were headhunters, cavorting madly on the beach. When they drew nearer, they realized that the frenzied creatures were not humans, but monkeys. The ships doctor, Johann Van Pellen, set out to observe them at close range in a longboat with five men. It soon became obvious that the primates were intoxicated. They yelled, danced, fought, and engaged in indiscriminate sex in full view of the crew.
The landing party wondered where the monkeys could be getting their booze from, and speculated that somewhere nearby must be a source of liquor. They decided to go ashore, find the liquor, and confiscate it in the name of Her Majesty's Royal Navy. So, they beached the boat and set off, but before they got more than a few paces from their boat, the monkeys seemed to realize that the intruders had delusions of larceny, and attacked them in force.
The ensuing battle lasted a few minutes. When it was over, all of the men were injured, two of them seriously. Five dead monkeys lay on the ground when the crew finally managed to get their boat launched and make a hasty retreat. As they rowed back to the ship, the monkeys chattered and screeched and clamored for a fight. They had that remarkable courage that comes only from the booze. They were prepared to take on the Queen's Navy, or anyone else who threatened their stash.
When the sailors got home and made their report about drunk monkeys, nobody believed them. It was considered to be a "tall tale" until the 1960s, when anthropologists finally got around to that little corner of the world. There they discovered a large tribe of monkeys - the largest in all of Borneo. These monkeys were seen to gather up various fruits, and throw them into potholes in nearby lava beds. The monkeys were observed mashing the fruit with sticks. Halidonte trees growing over the potholes provide a naturally-occurring yeast. With a little bit of rainfall, after about 6 weeks, there was a crude form of booze. The monkeys were seen to squat down and drink the fermented mixture, and then get loco.
The beer-brewing monkeys are still there, still making their brew and getting intoxicated to an extent that reveals the infamous Cooter Brown to be nothing more than a lightweight in comparison.
They jealously guard the potholes, and are always ready to attack any creature - including humans and orangutans - that dares to approach. The monkeys know by the aroma when a batch is ready to drink. The entire tribe drinks together in a binge lasting up to 24 hours. Their behavior is exactly like that described in the ship's log of the Dorchester.
In spite of their wild binges and orgies, the tribe remains dominant and healthy - more so than other primate tribes in the area. In my opinion, this is nature's way of telling us all that booze is good. Drinking to excess has made these monkeys the masters of Borneo, and once gave them the power to repel an attack by the world's most powerful navy.
When "western civilization" finally gets to Carson's Point, I am sure there will be some goofy bastards who decide to start a Mothers Against Drunk-Ass Monkeys chapter, just to take away the monkeys' well-guarded little secret. Then they will probably dress them up in monkey-suits and make them all get monkey-jobs and take out monkey-mortgages.
But for the time being, these guys are continuing to do what they have done for a thousand generations - enjoying to the fullest the intoxicating elixir that nature has bestowed upon their humid shores.
So wherever you are, lift up a glass and drink a toast to the magnificent beer brewing monkeys of Borneo, to whom the words "last call" have no earthly meaning. They are the missing link that science has overlooked!