Gator's Rant - For Captain Crunch

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I hate breakfast cereal, for a number of reasons that I am not ashamed to tell you about.
First, If I'm eating cereal, it means that I didn't get laid last night. If I get laid then one of us is likely spending the night at the others house. If that's the case, I usually do good enough to earn home cooked bacon and eggs or pancakes. Or, if we stay at my place - which has never been equipped with bacon, eggs, or pancake ingredients - then we usually go out and get something to eat. Therefore, if I'm eating cereal, it means I'm eating cereal alone.
Second, if I'm eating cereal, then I didn't work out this morning. A Pop tart and a cup of coffee is get up and work out food. Cereal is I slept too late to work out food.
Third, I despise when I open a new box of cereal and the plastic bag inside is only about one-third full. I feel screwed by the man, ripped off. I bought a third of a box of cereal for full price. As someone who likes the environment, if you're going to sell me one-third of a box of cereal, please put it in one-third of a box. For our trees and for Al Gore's sake.
Fourth, The plastic bag never rips open properly. It's a hassle to open. I'm already frustrated because I didn't get laid the night before, now I have to fight with a plastic bag only one-third filled with cereal. When it finally rips, it always rips funny so that the cereal doesn't pour but instead gets clogged up in the opening. I'm alone, horny, getting fatter, frustrated and hungry. I shake the box and the entire third of the box spills all over the bowl, the counter, the floor. Now I'm alone, horny, getting fatter, frustrated, hungry, and trying to pick cereal up off of the floor… I hate cereal. © Gator Press 2007

PS: If the cereal manufacturers really want to win loyalty from adults, they should put things in them that adults like. Maybe an adult version of Lucky Charms could have tiny marshmallow boobs, and give away a free porn CD inside each box. Until they do something cool like that, cereal will stay on my shit list.