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April 15, 2008 - Gator's Rant
pissing off the whole planet one person at a time...
| To the dude
I saw sailing across Clear Lake with a beach umbrella: I suppose you
were windsurfing. I've never seen anyone windsurf with a porch umbrella
for a sail, boldly charging across the bay like some bizarre cross
between Admiral Nelson and Mary Poppins. I was amazed - you didn't just
sail downwind, I swear I saw you tacking. You, sir, are my hero. I
wanted to tell you so, but alas, I was on the shore. I had so many
questions. No, I really only had one question (why?) but it seemed like
a really, really good question. Every time I pass, I hope to see you
again, Umbrella Man, but alas, I have not seen you since. |  |
 | To whoever left a box of granny-porn videos at the Goodwill box in Galveston:
Dude
(well, I assume you're a dude), what the hell is your problem? You left
a huge bag full of Granny porn on the sidewalk next to the Goodwill
box. I can only assume this was deliberate. It's not like you're
walking the streets with ten pounds of porn tapes, get home, and
realize "damn, I must have accidentally dropped all my porn somewhere".
Come
on man, what's wrong with you? Some kid could have found this stuff,
popped it into his Mouseketeers VCR and saw his Me-maw in action with
an assortment of males and females. Might be traumatic for the little
guy.
Even if the Goodwill people accepted them, what are they gonna
do with them? The cover photos alone are enough to kill a Baptist. They
can’t very well sell them in their stores. Maybe someone needs to start
an x-rated thrift store just for recycled porn, sex toys, etc.
Luckily for everyone, a local pastor has kindly agreed to take the evil tapes away and “dispose of them properly”. |
Guess what?
I
was cleaning out my attic and I found some weird things. Maybe the
weirdest was 2 pairs of MC Hammer pants, one bright yellow and one neon
green. I was going to burn them and dance around the flames to try to
make it rain or something, but I thought that maybe people might think
I was a Wiccan and call the fire department. They are absolutely the
worst pants of all time. I can't remember being stupid enough to buy
these, but I must have been. Either that or MC Hammer owes me a bunch
of rent money. |  |
 | And finally…
The Jedi mind trick does NOT work on women.
I
got high as kite and went down to beach. Wow, the women were so hot,
and next to me was a fine little brunette, black bikini and those
Chanel shades. No matter how hard I concentrated and said 'Horny you
are, want me you do', nothing happened. So I spoke to her, all she was
interested in was my beer. So I tried to use the Force to undo her top,
no success, but it did get chilly and her nipples poked out, so I
offered to show her my light saber, then she ran away. That was it, the
Force is useless on women at the beach. |
Hope you’re somewhere cool, chillin… GATOR
|
